Why Self Compassion Can Feel So Difficult
Therapy in Strathroy and Virtually Across Ontario
Many people are far kinder to others than they are to themselves.
They offer patience, understanding, encouragement, and compassion to the people around them, yet struggle to extend that same gentleness inward. Even highly caring and emotionally supportive individuals can become deeply critical of themselves when they are struggling.
For some people, self compassion feels unfamiliar. For others, it feels uncomfortable, undeserved, or even wrong.
This can be confusing, especially when we often hear that people simply need to “be kinder to themselves.” While the idea sounds simple, the experience of actually doing it is often much more complicated.
Many individuals have spent years holding themselves to high standards, minimizing their own needs, or believing they should be able to handle things on their own. Some learned early to focus on responsibility, achievement, or caring for others before themselves. Over time, self criticism can begin to feel more familiar than self compassion.
For others, being hard on themselves may have once felt motivating or protective. Self criticism can sometimes create a sense of control, structure, or pressure to keep going. Even when it becomes exhausting, letting go of it can feel unfamiliar.
Some people also worry that self compassion means lowering standards, making excuses, or avoiding accountability. In reality, self compassion is not about avoiding responsibility. It is about responding to yourself with the same humanity and understanding you would likely offer someone else who was struggling.
This does not mean ignoring mistakes or pretending things are easy. It means recognizing that being human includes stress, emotional pain, imperfection, and difficult moments.
Often, people speak to themselves in ways they would never speak to someone they care about. The internal voice becomes focused on what should have been done differently, what was not accomplished, or why they are not coping “better.” Over time, carrying this level of internal pressure can become emotionally exhausting.
Developing self compassion does not usually happen all at once. For many people, it begins simply by becoming more aware of how they speak to themselves internally. Noticing moments of harsh self criticism without immediately accepting them as truth can be an important first step.
It can also help to begin asking gentler questions. Instead of asking, “What is wrong with me?” it may be more supportive to ask, “What am I needing right now?” or “What would I say to someone I care about in this situation?”
Small shifts in language and awareness can gradually begin changing the relationship people have with themselves over time.
Therapy can also help individuals better understand where patterns of self criticism developed and why compassion may feel difficult to access. For many people, this work is not about becoming overly positive or ignoring struggle. It is about learning how to move through difficult experiences without constantly turning against themselves in the process.
If self compassion feels difficult for you, there is nothing wrong with you. Many people learned how to survive through pressure, self criticism, or emotional self protection long before they learned how to offer themselves gentleness.
With time, awareness, and support, it is possible to build a more compassionate relationship with yourself, one that feels steadier, kinder, and less exhausting to carry.
Take care of you.
About the Author
Gina Santos, MSW, RSW, is a Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist providing therapy in Strathroy and virtually across Ontario. She offers a compassionate and grounded approach to supporting individuals navigating overwhelm, emotional stress, and the lasting impact of difficult life experiences.